Joke (NTSB)      Wash Day 1912      Joke (Teeth)      Paul Harvey      Joke (hunters)      Red Eye Gravy     
A True Southerner Knows...     
Joke (Donkey)      More Redneck     

Movin' on up,    to a hi-rise...
to a deluxe apt in the sky
Man of my dreams

An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup and says to the driver,
      "Got any ID?"
The driver says, " 'Bout what?".

--- The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past 5yrs. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby auto makers installed black boxes in 4wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.      They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in almost all fatal crashes were something like, "OH, CRAP!" Only the final words in the states of Arkansas and Georgia were different. With very little variation, the final words were,   "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Wash Day 1912
Years ago, a Kentucky grandmother gave a new bride the following advice for washing clothes. It appears just as it was written, and, despite the spelling, has a bit of philosophy for the ages.

 1. Bilt fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water.
 2. Set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert.
 3. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in bilin water.
 4. Sort things, make 3 piles. 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags.
 5. To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with bilin water.
 6. Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and then bile. Rub colored don't bile, just rinch and starch.
 7. Take things out of kettle with broomstick handle, then rinch, and starch.
 8. Hang old rags on fence.
 9. Spread tea towels on grass.
10. Pore rinch water in flower bed.
11. Scrub porch with hot soapy water.
12. Turn tubs upside down.
13. Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.
Brew a cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.

City boy and the old farmer
A city boy moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. (In proper vernacular, "He give $100 for the donkey.") The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. But, come the next day, the farmer drove up, empty truck, and said, "Sorry, Boy; bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, you can just give me my money back."
"Cain't do thet. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just bring over the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A while later, the farmer saw the city boy in town, and asked,"Whatever happened with that dead donkey ?"
"Raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $998."
"What??!? Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are
at a country store.
What "Well, I Suwannee!!" means.
Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!!
A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don't come from the store.
When "by and by" is.
How to handle their "pot likker".
The difference between "pert' near" and "a right fur piece". The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy,
and trailer trash.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
What happens when you swaller 'baccy juice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
When wearing long sleeves, always roll 'em up
past the elbows.
Never loan your tools, pick-up or gun to nobody.
A belt serves a greater purpose than
holding Daddy's pants up.
Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress-relievers. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them
are history lessons.

What do you have when 32 rednecks are gathered in 1 room?
~~ A full set of teeth!

Dirt Roads, by Paul Harvey

   What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved.
   There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.
   People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.
   We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along.
   There was less crime in our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings.
   Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks.
   Dirt Roads taught patience.
   Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk.
   For your mail, you walked to the mail box.
   What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.
   At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap.
   Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole.
   At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.
   At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out.
     Usually you got a dollar...
        always you got a new friend...
at the end of a Dirt Road.     Paul Harvey

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods. One of them falls to the ground, doesn't seem to be breathing, eyes rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. (OK, if you believe real hunters carry cell phones) He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead..."
. . . Complete silence, then a shot is heard . . .
"OK, now what?"     ~~~~~~~~~

Red Eye Gravy
After cooking hog jowls or bacon, add coffee to the grease (to taste???)
I kid you not; that's the recipe! and it's great!!

Caller: Hello, this the F.B.I.?
FBI: Yes. How can I help you?
Caller: I'm callin ta report bout ma neighbor, Billy Bob Refrew! He is hidin marijuana
inside a his farwood.
FBI: Thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll take care of it from here.

        The next day, the FBI agents descended on Billy Bob's house. They searched
        the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece
        of wood, but found no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

Moments later, the phone rang at Billy Bob's house.
Caller: Hey, Billy Bob! Did the F.B.I. come?
Billy Bob: Yeah!
Caller: Did they chop yer farwood?
Billy Bob: Yeah.
Caller: Happy Birthday, Buddy!!

Ya might be a redneck if...
1. Yer mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. Yer keyboard's camouflaged.
3. There's a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There's a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5. The password's "Bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up ta six.
7. NRA mousepad on desk, next ta the Bible.
8. Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes are covered with beerstains.
10. The printer goes real slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in 'em.
12. The menus all have Rolling Rock, Black Label, Lone Star and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk, next to the moonshine still.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer, next to the mouth harp.
17. The screen saver is pitures of Ned Beatty with Deuling Banjos playin' in the background.
18. Wastebasket is a spittoon.
19. John Deere pocket protectors.
20. Autographed piture of the cast from "Dukes of Hazzard" on the desk.

Waylan Jennings, one of the best!
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Update 15March'16   Copyright © 2001-2016 Libby Stadler